Healing Is A Choice…

The title itself may be triggering but its the truth!

I know we have all heard at some point in our lives the quote ” the truth may hurt but it can set you free”. I did not pay it any attention then but I do now. To know me is to know the healed version of me. On many occasions I have been complimented on my ability to remain calm, effectively express my feelings, or be the “bigger person”. I respond by saying it has not always been like this in a jokingly but serious tone. Generally, I like to start off by telling my personal experiences so that my readers understand that I in fact know what I am talking about. So lets get started!

My journey was hard and it took me some time to navigate THROUGH it but one thing I did learn was that healing is certainly a choice but everyone’s process is different.

My process looked liked this…

Feeling unhappy with myself, my life and my environment did not originate as an adult for me it started as a young child. Not feeling adequate enough caused me to fill voids with people and things that were not good for me while becoming a woman. As a young child and growing teenager I did not understand nor did I have the guidance to properly lead me into my process. Let’s be real, our families, rather we had a mother, father, grandparents, aunt, uncles or all did the best they could. Most of it was with what they knew based upon how they were raised, taught and what they thought was best. Most of our families priorities were our physiological, safety and security needs. In my experience, I have always had food, water, sleep, shelter, clothing, health employment, etc. I lacked friendship, the sense of connection, confidence, acceptance and purpose. That is were I believe the hurt was rooted from which then caused negative effects over time. In order to be free from that emotional hurt I had to realize that it was not about me in spite of it happening to me.

Realizing that was the first part of my healing process.

After coming to that realization I stopped charging my family for my actions. This was the second part of my process. Yeah, at thirty something years old ( a long process) I told myself that I no longer wanted to be mad, angry, bitter, or hold resentment and in order to heal I had to understand that it was a choice. My choice! I took accountability for what was happening in my present, forgave and or moved on from what did or did not happen in my past. We cannot change what has already passed and time waits for no one. I dwelled long enough in my sorrows that I was drowning. (metaphorically) The hunger I had for acceptance, confidence, and a sense of belonging as an adult was showing up in my friendships and relationships and they were quite wounding. So the next part of my process was healing from the things that I caused upon myself.

I had to make the choice to put an end to:

1. choosing the wrong circle of people
2. staying in meaningless relationships
3. giving more than what I received
4. allowing people to use me for my talents, gifts, good energy
5. feeling bad for saying no
6. self-destructing

This is what I mean when I say healing is a choice but everyone’s process is different. We may share the same story in which trauma bonding is possible but the process and the effect varies. My healing process did not look like sitting in therapy or waiting around for an apology. It was isolating myself from the very people I had attached to while hurting. It was self- analyzing and being intentional about what I did not want for my life. It was the awareness that if I wanted different then I had to become just that. It was understanding that I deserved better and so would my child (future). It was deciding to be happy versus living with hurt and letting it all go. Yeah I know, easier said than done, right? It is necessary. If you just take a glimpse of what life could be if you would just make the choice to heal I promise it would be all worth it. Healing is for you and the betterment of oneself. I am not saying the process will be easy but what I am saying is make the choice to start.

The process that I am in now requires me be patient, listen, and understand others experiences because I understand the journey. It is essential that I do not settle for emotional loneliness because it is what I was use to, due to its familiarity so I am careful and I now set boundaries. As I stated previously, the truth hurts but be willing to stand up and against what is robbing you. The truth is, you must break the cycle of hurt that is dominating your life with all the intense highs and lows. Allow healing to become the focal point of your decision making. Make the choice to heal.

Here are some things to keep in my that could help you start your healing journey that I am practicing.

1. Do not be single minded in your relationships (friends/family included) and decision making. Be open to new ideas and when you cannot manage to cope with something new try not to become defensive or impulsive.
2. Find positive ways to regulate your emotions
3. Do what is right and not what feels good in the moment
4. Understand that the principle is just as important as how you are feeling.
5. Focus on truth and not what feels true
6. Stop looking for red flags
7. Self-reflect often

Lastly, understand that sometimes your triggers creates your own offense. Meaning because you have not healed everything causes anger and annoys you to the point you begin to attack the people around you that had nothing to do with your hurt. I had to acknowledge that it was not other people’s responsibility to tip toe around my feelings. It was in my control to challenge my mind not to be provoked by flashbacks and unsettling memories.

It was my choice to heal….

What are you choosing?

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest